Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings
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*Gambling Quotes Funny
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*Sayings About GamblingThe Best Poker Jokes and Funny Poker QuotesPoker Jokes and Quotes assembled by NoLuckNeeded.com.Scroll to the bottom of the page for funny poker picture jokes and memes.Please reply to this post if you have a joke that should be added.If you like gambling jokes, check out NoLuckNeeded’s huge list of The Best Poker Gambling Jokes & QuotesWhat is the difference between Phil Hellmuth and a dog?The dog will eventually stop whining.What is the difference between a Phil Hellmuth and God?God doesn’t think He’s a Phil Hellmuth.What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.Why is “a man” like a deck of cards? Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.Nice hand, sir.. and by hand I mean catch.. and by sir I mean dumbass.If you’re a guy, you know you play too much Poker if your dreams involve nuts instead of breasts.- Unknown PlayerI spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.- W.C. FieldsQ: What are a Man’s three favorite games?A. Checker, Chess, and Poker. (If you didn’t get it say it quickly to yourself)Money isn’t everything … unless you’re playing in a rebuy tournament.- AnonymousWhats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.Poker is like sex... if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand.Poker is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are the best, but most don’t have a clue what they are doing.- Dutch BoydSign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.Q: What is the biggest difference between a church and a poker room?A: In a poker room, you really mean it when you pray!!What are vampires playing poker for? High stakes.Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luckEven Your Poker Face Is UglyPoker has the only river in the world you can drown in more than once.I am folding faster than superman on washing day.What’s the difference between a pizza and a poker player? One can feed a family of three.Q: How can you get a professional poker player off your balcony?A: Just pay him for the Pizza!Q: How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?A: His chips are movingQ: Did you hear about the Los Angeles local poker hand?A: Its Four Clubs beat a KingThere are TWO basic rules for winning in poker:1. never tell anyone anythingWhat is Bill Clinton’s favorite game? Poke-her.What do you call a poker player without a girlfriend? Homeless.What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table?Answer: I thought you were a cheetah.Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?Because there are too many cheetahs.I couldn’t hit a river if I fell out of the boat.AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.AK: Anna Kournikovz. Looks great but doesn’t win much.My chip stack is up and down more than a hooker’s panties.Do you have blisters on your a**? Because that is one hot seat your in.I hope you don’t make love the way you play tournaments... all in and done in under a minute.I’ve had more flushes sucked out of me than a public toilet.There’s more fish in here than Seaworld.He folded like a K-Mart lawnchair.I wouldn’t wipe my a** with those cards if I was out of toilet paper.Making that call qualifies you for the Special Olympics.That isn’t a hand, it’s a height.There’s a reason you lie in poker... you can’t always be the best player at the table.Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”In a book store:“I am looking for the book named ’How to win easily and fast with poker.’Clerk says: “Please check the science fiction section.”Someone bets, say, $35. Some other guy, a player at the back of him will say, ’I was going to call $34, but $35 is just too much.’Husband Comes Home After A Poker Game...I came home from the pub four hours late last night. “Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”What does “a safe game at low limits” mean?The wife of a doctor called the poker room to get her husband paged. They refused. The house doesn’t make doctor calls.May the flop be with you.Doyle BrunsonIn the poker game of life, women are the rake- Worm (Ed Norton) in RoundersYour best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.- V.P. PappyLast night I got thrown out of a casino… apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table.If I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all.- Unknow AuthorI can’t even catch a cold.I need a hand that doesn’t look like a foot.Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.- Steven WrightA faint heart never filled a spade flush.- AnonymousYou played that hand like a vegan.- Erick Lindgren to Daniel NegreanuDear Lord, help me to break even. I need the money.-AnonymousA king can do no wrong … unless it runs into an ace.- AnonymousA Smith & Wesson beats four Aces.- AnonymousForgive your enemies but remember the bastard’s name!- Doyle BrunsonThe poker pool could use a little chlorine.- Doyle BrunsonIn the long run there’s no luck in poker, but the short run is longer than most people know.- Rick BennetTrust everyone, but always cut the cards.- Benny Binion’When your opponent’s sittin’ there holdin’ all the aces, there’s only one thing to do: kick over the table.’- Dean MartinAvoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.- George Carlin’Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.’— Samantha BeeIt’s unlucky to be superstitious.♣ Dave Enteles, Card PlayerForget about a chip and a chair; give me a hand and I’ll stand.- Warren KarpAll I know is, if the cards ever break even — I’m screwed.- Rich KorbinIf the shoe fits, steal it.- Lou KriegerTo be a poker champion, you must have a strong bladder.- Jack McClellandThere is more to poker than life.- Tom McEvoyIt’s not whether you won or lost, but how many bad-beat stories you were able to tell.- Grantland Rice, SportswriterThey say poker is a zero-sum game. It must be, because every time I play my sum ends up zero.- Max ShapiroIt never hurts for potential opponents to think you’re more than a little stupid and can hardly count all the money in your hip pocket, much less hold on to it.- Amarillo SlimOld card players never die, they just shuffle away.- Author UnknownPut yourself in their shoes before you decide on the best way to take their shirts.- David SklanskyThe only thing more profitable at a poker table than a man’s ego is the rake.- TawniaOmaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists.- Shane SmithPoker... I hardly even know her!- Jack StylesI must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.- Jonathan Swift (1728)Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.- R.E. ShayAfter a donkey goes busted: ’He’s in donkey heaven now.’About a really bad player: ’Even a donkey would think he’s a donkey.’That isn’t a hand, it’s a height.Directed at a tournament player constantly using their timebank...’Come on ... I’ve seen continents drift faster than you play’Let me put on my blindfold and we’ll play pin the tail on the donkey.I’ve folded more hands than an undertaker.I’ve seen more rags than a janitor.I don’t have a straw long enough to suck out on you.How do you get 80 nice old ladies to curse at the same time? Yell ’Bingo’.A man joins Gamblers Anonymous. He’s given three-to-one odds he won’t make it.Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability than in poker.-AnonymousWhat do you call a Poker Player with half a brain? GiftedWhat is poker hell like? A limit game at 9:00 AM.Q: What does a poker player eat for dinner?A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.What does a poker player eat for dinner? Fish and ChipsWhat is a poker player’s favorite food? Fish and ChipsI’m in Vegas last week and a guy is standing in front of the Shoe and he appears to be pan handling. I wander by and he say’s to me ’Sir, my wife has died, but I need money to bury her. Can you help me out?’ I get a bit huffy and say back to him ’Why should I give you money. You’re just going to take it and go gambling!’ He looks at me and says ’ You got it all wrong, I’ve got gambling money!’What’s a poker dealer’s favorite song? ’Everyday I’m shuffling’.You can only play pocket jacks 3 ways, all of which are wrong.LIFE IS LIKE POKER - If you don’t have a big enough stack... No one really notices when you are all inI bet you I could stop gambling.Poker jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they all stink. Click Here for NoLuckNeeded.com’scollection of online gambling and online poker cartoons.’Online Poker Player’ From the Poker Players Alliance http://theppa.org/’One in Seven’ Gambling Joke Cartoon’Sincere Prayer’ Poker Joke CartoonOnline Gambling Cartoon | Political Blunders in HistoryCartoon’Royal Flush’
*This compilation contains some of the best quotes we could find related to gambling, luck and money. Since humans have existed they have gambled away their fortunes, and it is probably the fate of man to continue gambling so long as there is anything left to bet on.
*Following are the best weekend quotes: Happy weekend wishes, funny saying, Saturday, Sunday quotes and more. Funny & Inspiring Weekend Quotes 1. “It’s Friday, bitches!” 2. “Have a cool weekend” 3. “Oversleep this weekend.” 4. “It’s the weekend. Nothing the beach can’t fix.” 6.Gambling Quotes Funny
Besides the first deposit bonus many online casinos offer free spins to new players. Most of the time the free spins are offered on a Gambling Funny Quotes And Sayings specific slot machine, usually a new or promoted Gambling Funny Quotes And Sayings slot machine. Popular slot machines for free spins are Starburst, Gonzo’s Quest, Gambling Funny Quotes And Sayings Warlords, Mega Fortune.Last edited by TDTAT on 15.01.2020, 12:02; edited 16 times in totalFunny Gambling PicturesSayings About Gambling
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*Gambling Quotes Funny
*Funny Gambling Pictures
*Sayings About GamblingThe Best Poker Jokes and Funny Poker QuotesPoker Jokes and Quotes assembled by NoLuckNeeded.com.Scroll to the bottom of the page for funny poker picture jokes and memes.Please reply to this post if you have a joke that should be added.If you like gambling jokes, check out NoLuckNeeded’s huge list of The Best Poker Gambling Jokes & QuotesWhat is the difference between Phil Hellmuth and a dog?The dog will eventually stop whining.What is the difference between a Phil Hellmuth and God?God doesn’t think He’s a Phil Hellmuth.What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.Why is “a man” like a deck of cards? Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.Nice hand, sir.. and by hand I mean catch.. and by sir I mean dumbass.If you’re a guy, you know you play too much Poker if your dreams involve nuts instead of breasts.- Unknown PlayerI spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted.- W.C. FieldsQ: What are a Man’s three favorite games?A. Checker, Chess, and Poker. (If you didn’t get it say it quickly to yourself)Money isn’t everything … unless you’re playing in a rebuy tournament.- AnonymousWhats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.Poker is like sex... if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand.Poker is a lot like sex, everyone thinks they are the best, but most don’t have a clue what they are doing.- Dutch BoydSign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.Q: What is the biggest difference between a church and a poker room?A: In a poker room, you really mean it when you pray!!What are vampires playing poker for? High stakes.Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luckEven Your Poker Face Is UglyPoker has the only river in the world you can drown in more than once.I am folding faster than superman on washing day.What’s the difference between a pizza and a poker player? One can feed a family of three.Q: How can you get a professional poker player off your balcony?A: Just pay him for the Pizza!Q: How can you tell when a professional poker player is lying?A: His chips are movingQ: Did you hear about the Los Angeles local poker hand?A: Its Four Clubs beat a KingThere are TWO basic rules for winning in poker:1. never tell anyone anythingWhat is Bill Clinton’s favorite game? Poke-her.What do you call a poker player without a girlfriend? Homeless.What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table?Answer: I thought you were a cheetah.Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?Because there are too many cheetahs.I couldn’t hit a river if I fell out of the boat.AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.AK: Anna Kournikovz. Looks great but doesn’t win much.My chip stack is up and down more than a hooker’s panties.Do you have blisters on your a**? Because that is one hot seat your in.I hope you don’t make love the way you play tournaments... all in and done in under a minute.I’ve had more flushes sucked out of me than a public toilet.There’s more fish in here than Seaworld.He folded like a K-Mart lawnchair.I wouldn’t wipe my a** with those cards if I was out of toilet paper.Making that call qualifies you for the Special Olympics.That isn’t a hand, it’s a height.There’s a reason you lie in poker... you can’t always be the best player at the table.Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”In a book store:“I am looking for the book named ’How to win easily and fast with poker.’Clerk says: “Please check the science fiction section.”Someone bets, say, $35. Some other guy, a player at the back of him will say, ’I was going to call $34, but $35 is just too much.’Husband Comes Home After A Poker Game...I came home from the pub four hours late last night. “Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”What does “a safe game at low limits” mean?The wife of a doctor called the poker room to get her husband paged. They refused. The house doesn’t make doctor calls.May the flop be with you.Doyle BrunsonIn the poker game of life, women are the rake- Worm (Ed Norton) in RoundersYour best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.- V.P. PappyLast night I got thrown out of a casino… apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table.If I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all.- Unknow AuthorI can’t even catch a cold.I need a hand that doesn’t look like a foot.Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.- Steven WrightA faint heart never filled a spade flush.- AnonymousYou played that hand like a vegan.- Erick Lindgren to Daniel NegreanuDear Lord, help me to break even. I need the money.-AnonymousA king can do no wrong … unless it runs into an ace.- AnonymousA Smith & Wesson beats four Aces.- AnonymousForgive your enemies but remember the bastard’s name!- Doyle BrunsonThe poker pool could use a little chlorine.- Doyle BrunsonIn the long run there’s no luck in poker, but the short run is longer than most people know.- Rick BennetTrust everyone, but always cut the cards.- Benny Binion’When your opponent’s sittin’ there holdin’ all the aces, there’s only one thing to do: kick over the table.’- Dean MartinAvoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.- George Carlin’Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.’— Samantha BeeIt’s unlucky to be superstitious.♣ Dave Enteles, Card PlayerForget about a chip and a chair; give me a hand and I’ll stand.- Warren KarpAll I know is, if the cards ever break even — I’m screwed.- Rich KorbinIf the shoe fits, steal it.- Lou KriegerTo be a poker champion, you must have a strong bladder.- Jack McClellandThere is more to poker than life.- Tom McEvoyIt’s not whether you won or lost, but how many bad-beat stories you were able to tell.- Grantland Rice, SportswriterThey say poker is a zero-sum game. It must be, because every time I play my sum ends up zero.- Max ShapiroIt never hurts for potential opponents to think you’re more than a little stupid and can hardly count all the money in your hip pocket, much less hold on to it.- Amarillo SlimOld card players never die, they just shuffle away.- Author UnknownPut yourself in their shoes before you decide on the best way to take their shirts.- David SklanskyThe only thing more profitable at a poker table than a man’s ego is the rake.- TawniaOmaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists.- Shane SmithPoker... I hardly even know her!- Jack StylesI must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.- Jonathan Swift (1728)Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.- R.E. ShayAfter a donkey goes busted: ’He’s in donkey heaven now.’About a really bad player: ’Even a donkey would think he’s a donkey.’That isn’t a hand, it’s a height.Directed at a tournament player constantly using their timebank...’Come on ... I’ve seen continents drift faster than you play’Let me put on my blindfold and we’ll play pin the tail on the donkey.I’ve folded more hands than an undertaker.I’ve seen more rags than a janitor.I don’t have a straw long enough to suck out on you.How do you get 80 nice old ladies to curse at the same time? Yell ’Bingo’.A man joins Gamblers Anonymous. He’s given three-to-one odds he won’t make it.Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability than in poker.-AnonymousWhat do you call a Poker Player with half a brain? GiftedWhat is poker hell like? A limit game at 9:00 AM.Q: What does a poker player eat for dinner?A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.What does a poker player eat for dinner? Fish and ChipsWhat is a poker player’s favorite food? Fish and ChipsI’m in Vegas last week and a guy is standing in front of the Shoe and he appears to be pan handling. I wander by and he say’s to me ’Sir, my wife has died, but I need money to bury her. Can you help me out?’ I get a bit huffy and say back to him ’Why should I give you money. You’re just going to take it and go gambling!’ He looks at me and says ’ You got it all wrong, I’ve got gambling money!’What’s a poker dealer’s favorite song? ’Everyday I’m shuffling’.You can only play pocket jacks 3 ways, all of which are wrong.LIFE IS LIKE POKER - If you don’t have a big enough stack... No one really notices when you are all inI bet you I could stop gambling.Poker jokes are like butt cracks- everyone has one and they all stink. Click Here for NoLuckNeeded.com’scollection of online gambling and online poker cartoons.’Online Poker Player’ From the Poker Players Alliance http://theppa.org/’One in Seven’ Gambling Joke Cartoon’Sincere Prayer’ Poker Joke CartoonOnline Gambling Cartoon | Political Blunders in HistoryCartoon’Royal Flush’
*This compilation contains some of the best quotes we could find related to gambling, luck and money. Since humans have existed they have gambled away their fortunes, and it is probably the fate of man to continue gambling so long as there is anything left to bet on.
*Following are the best weekend quotes: Happy weekend wishes, funny saying, Saturday, Sunday quotes and more. Funny & Inspiring Weekend Quotes 1. “It’s Friday, bitches!” 2. “Have a cool weekend” 3. “Oversleep this weekend.” 4. “It’s the weekend. Nothing the beach can’t fix.” 6.Gambling Quotes Funny
Besides the first deposit bonus many online casinos offer free spins to new players. Most of the time the free spins are offered on a Gambling Funny Quotes And Sayings specific slot machine, usually a new or promoted Gambling Funny Quotes And Sayings slot machine. Popular slot machines for free spins are Starburst, Gonzo’s Quest, Gambling Funny Quotes And Sayings Warlords, Mega Fortune.Last edited by TDTAT on 15.01.2020, 12:02; edited 16 times in totalFunny Gambling PicturesSayings About Gambling
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